Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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