I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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