I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
