Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
