You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
