i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
