I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
