Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
