i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
is it fun? or sober?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
