He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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