I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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