did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
barbara walters just said penis...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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