Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
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