We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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