it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
