The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Sorry about my life...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
