just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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