Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
