she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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