if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
