Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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