Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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