i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
