Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Randomize
