I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I need moral support for this bender
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
