I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Pooping to opera.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
