um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
