you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
