Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If I die, sorry about rent.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
