i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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