everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
