I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
