I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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