There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
