I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
We don't watch enough power rangers
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
