My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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