I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He is an equal opportunity slut.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
