I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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