I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
