i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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