I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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