ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
