This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
