I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
