If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
