he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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