Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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