Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
