you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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