everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
