apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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